A moment of sadness

I try my best to be upbeat about Emma, and we've been so thrilled with her progress lately.  But every once in a while, I feel as though I've been slapped in the face.  Not by anyone specifically or intentionally, just by the world around me.  And by the healthy children around me.  I don't wish Emma's problems on ANYONE, believe me.  I'd even venture to say that I'm not jealous of other kids and families - I'm actually heartbroken for my daughter.  I've been exposed to many children who are younger than Emma who are walking, standing, crawling, eating real food, and drinking from a sippy cup.  It's very heartbreaking as a mother to see these younger children zoom right past my daughter.  Heartbreaking, not envy-inducing (for lack of a better word).  I know in my head that Emma will be fine; she will excel in her own way and possibly excel in other areas above and beyond these same kids.  I KNOW THIS.  But there are days when you just have to give in to the heartbreak, as denial can be a very dangerous thing.  It's very easy to feel defeated as other children zip right by yours developmentally.  Everyone says you can't compare your kid to others, blah, blah, blah, but let's be honest: they're talking about the stuff that every kid does eventually.  "All" kids learn to crawl; "all" kids learn to walk; "all" kids learn to use the potty.  Kids don't still wear diapers when they're 6, so does it really matter if they're potty-trained at 2, 2 1/2, or 3?  If I've heard this once, I've heard it a million times.  But with Emma, she WON'T catch up to "all" kids.  That's defeating.

This is going to sound very strange (and Abbey, don't hate me for this), but one of the most delightful moments I had was getting a message from my friend Abbey asking me for input on her little girl's haircut.  Elizabeth is 3 months older than Emma and is now getting hair long enough to resemble a mullet.  Emma, on the other hand, has already had one full-blown haircut, with a few trims to boot.  Abbey's oldest is a boy, so....non-issue: cut it all.  Having Abbey ask me about styling a little girl mullet made me feel like a normal mom because I was able to compare something about Emma to another child.  I'm not saying Emma is more advanced than Elizabeth (it's just hair), but it made me feel like......I had something to contribute.  Something that Emma had done that another child hadn't yet.  I don't think that will happen often, so thank you, Abbey, for making me feel like a normal mother.  Realistically, I don't know anything about baby girls' hair, especially since Emma's noggin contains the following: (1) wavy hair; (2) straight hair; (3) ringlet curls; (4) a double crown; and (5) no distinguishable natural part.  But still.  It was nice to talk to a mom about something both of our children were dealing with: awkward hair.  I didn't feel quite so alone.

I am in touch with other mothers of children with spina bifida, and I've been offered more support than I could manage, actually.  I eventually found my own perfect balance of support without drowning in the ocean of "woe-is-me-my-child-has-a-disability-and-my-life-will-never-be-normal."  Believe me, those moms are out there.  But we all need our days to lament, right?

At the end of the day, I know that God hasn't forgotten my Emma.  Actually, she's HIS Emma.  He loves her, He knows her, and He smiles upon her.