So do want me here or not?

In yesterday's blog, I expressed my extreme disappointment with NICU 2. If I only knew what was in store for us today...

I won't go into details because my blog would crash from data overload. I swear I'm not a whiner, but my mom, the nurse supervisor, the hospital social worker, and Dr. Troup can collectively vouch for me that most everything about today was a disaster.

Let's see...lowest points would be:
- the nurse telling me that she would be FORCING me to "hold" Emma on my lap, flat on her tummy on a pillow, even though I'm not ready for that quite yet
- walking into Emma's room and seeing pee running out the front of her diaper all over the pad she was laying on
- also seeing poop come out the top of the back of the diaper and creeping into her incision - there is no easier way to get an infection! Ask people in 3rd world countries!
- opening the diaper to find that it clearly should have been changed hours ago, based on sheer volume
- opening the diaper to an extreme and brand new, never-before-seen case of diaper rash, which actually isn't supposed to happen in the NICU...because it's the NICU!!!
- changing the pee-soaked pads underneath Emma myself to find that her umbilical cord stump has been bleeding, for the first time in 8 days. It also has been sitting in the urine.
- having the nurse instruct me repeatedly, all day, to take Emma's temperature myself, change her diapers, and feed her, while she sits at the front desk talking to her friends (witnessed this with my own two eyes)
- an occupational therapist talking in confusing circles for half an hour about all the therapy and help and problems my 8-day-old baby will have

Again, these are the lowest points. Add about 10 more lesser issues to the mix, and what do you get? A complete breakdown on my part. I only had time to take 2 pictures of Emma today. I was pulled in about 10 different directions, and none of them had my baby at the end. My mom was in disbelief at how I was bounced all over the place today...I just felt kind of numb and like I was hanging onto the bottom rung of the sanity ladder.

Let me just say that I, Russell, my mom, and Russell's mom are all hands-on people. We aren't lazy and certainly aren't trying to get out of changing diapers, etc - we've done it a few times every day for a while now. And it's no small feat, I might add, as Emma's on her tummy, and we can't bend her. But if we're going to walk in the door and virtually be told, "OK, here's your baby, see ya later!", then why even bother having her in the NICU?? I nicely addressed some of these issues with Dr. Troup, acknowledging that I could be overreacting, but he himself was NOT pleased. He sent a nurse supervisor to talk to me, who was completely embarrassed and horrified at how things have started for us in NICU 2. She clearly understood that we're capable of caring for our child and that we absolutely should not shoulder that responsibility while she's in the NICU. She assured me that our nursing problem would be resolved with some rescheduling...so far, so good. The nurse on duty from 7 pm to 7 am is delightful, just like all the other great nurses we have had, up until today.

Today, 4 medical professionals from various disciplines told me that they had been looking for me - where had I been?? My number is plastered all over every paper in the place, so I don't know why it's so hard to call me and ask me to meet them at a specific time. Apparently, getting to the hospital at 11 am and staying all day isn't good enough. Yet countless nurses and doctors have told me for a week now not to live at the NICU...take time for myself...relax at home while I can. Ok, folks, so which is it - HOME OR NICU? I was in some pretty bad pain today myself, so I actually felt like relaxing. Oh, well.

As for sweet baby Emma, she really started crying for the first time today, but it's only when she's hungry. This, I can handle. Easy solution! She's had one leg that's swollen from a PICC line complication, and this swelling is going down. Her incision is a little gooey right in the middle, but Dr. Troup still is "happy" about it. He's no more concerned about the fluid on her brain than he was yesterday or Friday. I think...I THINK...Emma's physical therapy that started today (please remember, the therapist wasn't a great communicator) is about half beginning therapy that will continue after she's out of the NICU and half trying to adjust her hips, legs, and feet muscles to how they should be if she were on her back. She hitches her left leg under her hip, which rotates her hips to the right and causes her to lean onto her right side. They want everything to be straight because she doesn't need any more hip and leg abnormality than what is already there that we just don't know about yet. She is surrounded by this little fort made out of blankets and rolled-up pee-pee pads. Emma's eating like a champ but has lost weight back below her birth weight over the last 2 days, for some reason. Probably because she's pooping like a champ! They have to record all her poops, and they were running out of room on the Poop Page at 9:30 tonight. Both grandmas, Russell, and I all fed her today - both because we wanted to and because we had to, since no one else was around to do it.

I'm praying for a better day tomorrow. Emma has a physical therapy appointment at 11 am tomorrow (ahhh, see how easy an APPOINTMENT is, people?!). My mom and I are eating lunch, and then she's making me come home to rest for a few hours. I understand her concern, and I'm not trying to wear myself out, but I really want to just be with my daughter. I was physically present all day today, but I wasn't able to be there with my daughter emotionally. :( Sorry the blog has been a downer for a couple days, but that's just kinda the way it's gone. I try to be an optimistic person, but I'm also realistic. Life is hard, and you have to face it head on. I truly believe that facing it, owning it, admitting to God that you need help, and letting Him stand with you through it is the only thing that safely gets you through these things. If I can just get through each day one at a time with Him, facing the bad stuff, then I can move on to the next day and not look back - because I know I've handled things the best way I can, with my Lord standing beside me.

Like I said earlier, I only got 2 pictures today. This is a picture of Russell feeding Emma - one of the only peaceful moments from today. It's no coincidence that this is when the new nurse was on duty.