Her pain is my pain

Today was a pretty eventful day for everyone. I started feeling a little better today, and the pain was much more tolerable. Unfortunately, I think I traded in my pain for sweet baby Emma's :( She came off the ventilator, so we can see her face better now. Not too long after that, Russell and I were there when they turned her head from one side to the other. This woke her up a bit, and she started opening and moving her eyes, squeezing our fingers with her little hands, and moving her mouth a lot. Russell went to get my mom so that she could see all this, and then it all fell apart. I think Emma realized she had pain in her back, and she started wiggling her back around, trying to get comfortable I guess. The more she moved, the more she irritated her back, and the harder she squeezed my fingers. She was making the most dreadful, pain-filled faces I could possibly imagine...and then she started crying. The nurses were surprised that it was her because she's had a ventilator in the whole time, and this was the first time she cried. I know that all babies cry - the simple act of crying doesn't bother me. But not all babies have major surgery with an incision that's a third the size of their backs. She was absolutely ripping my heart out - I knew she was crying because she was in pain, and I could do NOTHING about it. I had a finger inside one of her hands, and my other hand was resting on her head. She reached up with her free hand and grabbed one of my fingers that was resting on her head and started squeezing that finger, too, every time she made a painful movement. Even though I was so upset, it was so touching to have my 2-day-old daughter grab my finger, as if she needed both of Mommy's hands to squeeze when she was hurting. The nurses were trying to reassure me that she was ok, just in some discomfort (she's still on pain medication, but a lower dose), but I just don't think the level of pain/discomfort even matters when you're a mom. You just want it GONE!

Right when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, they took her for a CT scan of her brain to measure the ventricle fluid. This determines when the pediatric neurosurgeon (Dr. Troup) wants to put in a shunt. The fluid on her brain doesn't necessarily cause long-term damage because it will eventually be fixed with a shunt. However, in the short term, it can be dangerous because it can hinder her ability to independently breathe, regardless of how strong her lungs are. During our second visit to the NICU, Dr. Troup came by to check on Emma. He said the incision looked as good as or better than he expected. This is great news because he was concerned that the skin could pull apart, which would prolong her stay in the NICU; if that still happens, it's not a real danger because he did some precautionary things during surgery to protect her spine, but we still don't want her to stay there any longer than necessary. The CT showed what he expected, and there is no immediate need to put a shunt in, but he'll just keep an eye on it over the next week or two.

We went to see her in the NICU tonight after all our visitors had left and discovered that her nurse had put a little newborn cap on her. Local churches and charities knit them for the NICU, and the nurses pick them out for their babies. Most of the ones for girls are pink, but our nurse thought it would be nice to have a different one. She picked out a purple one with a little purple and white ball on top - THAT'S MY LITTLE PALADIN! She's wearing it in this pic, but it turned out looking a little blue because we can't use a flash.



Our sweet nurse also took some pictures of her and is making a sign for her that will hang over her bed in the NICU. Emma has been sleeping fine, and she's been taking a good amount of formula through a tube in her nose. I read to her tonight, and we prayed over her - prayers for healing of her incision and the defect in her spine itself. Please join us in this prayer.